| Symptom: | Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; shirt front is wet |
| Fault: | Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face |
| Solution: | Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect |
| Symptom: | Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; Beer unusually pale and clear |
| Fault: | Glass is empty |
| Solution: | Find someone who will buy you another pint |
| Symptom: | Feet cold and wet |
| Fault: | Glass being held at incorrect angle |
| Solution: | Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling |
| Symptom: | Feet warm and wet |
| Fault: | Loss of self-control |
| Solution: | Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. |
| Symptom: | Bar blurred |
| Fault: | You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass |
| Solution: | Find someone who will buy you another pint |
| Symptom: | Bar swaying |
| Fault: | Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress |
| Solution: | Insert broom handle down back of jacket |
| Symptom: | Bar moving |
| Fault: | You are being carried out |
| Solution: | Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked |
| Symptom: | The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it |
| Fault: | You have fallen over backwards |
| Solution: | If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar |
| Symptom: | Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends |
| Fault: | You have fallen over forwards |
| Solution: | Same as for falling over backwards |
| Symptom: | You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling |
| Fault: | You have spent the night in the gutter |
| Solution: | Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in. |
| Symptom: | Everything has gone dim |
| Fault: | The pub is closing |
| Solution: | PANIC !!!!! |